Rouladen-ial Of Life

I had waited to try this meal for what seemed like forever, ever since I first saw this amazing creation, so when I fiiinally made it over to Germany 3 weeks ago to spend a week with the awesome girl who first told me about it, that was one of the first things we did.
I think we started preparing this meal around 10pm or something ridiculous, which considering it takes around 3 hours to cook, including prep time, was semi-retarded. When I finally got around to eating it, it was a totally sacrilicious experience.

Even though I would unfortunately be making it alone this time, I didn't change a thing about the recipe or the process, since it turned out so goddamn incredible first time around. My only concern was finding decent quality thinly sliced beef, since it's not something that I'd ever used before, and didn't know a whole lot about.
Luckily my local butcher had a pretty incredible selection, and the wee girl of about 13 behind the counter knew exactly what I wanted from my less than eloquent description "uhhhh, it's like a thin steak, but with no fat, and it's real big, like... an A3 sheet of paper?" "ummm, you mean beef ham?". BEEF HAM! Amazing name for it, considering it has fuck all to do with ham. Good ol' retarded Scotland.

Anyway, here's all the stuff you need...

First step would be to dice both your onion and your cornichons, then fry them for a coupla minutes without burning them.

Next up is the fun part! For some reason I can't remember, you need to smash the meat flat, so lay down a big piece of greaseproof paper and sit your beef on top of it. Cover with another piece of greaseproof paper, then take a pot or pan, and start battering the hell out of it.
This is yet another one of those moments where I might come across as mildly psychotic, as I kinda enjoyed the feeling of repeatedly slamming the pan down and seeing the blood spatter out of the lifeless tissue. Mmmurderous.

Top the meat with a LIGHT sprinkling of chilli powder and herbs, you dont wan;t anything to overpower the taste of your filling.

Speaking of the filling, the carnivore in me enjoys the hell outta the fact this dish is basically wrapping meat inside another kind of meat: bacon cubes!
First, spread a tablespoon of mustard on each piece of meat, getting really even, but not too thick, coverage. Next take your bacon cubes and sprinkle a handful on each mustard-coated beef section, and then grab a handful of your fried onions and cornichons and do the same.
Spread them out evenly across the meat, but not too close to edge so they don't fall out when you roll 'em up.

Next you... well, roll them up, basically. No fuckin' shit, right?
Once they're rolled into delicious beef parcels, cut about... say a metre of thread (I'd prefer to have something thicker, twine or whatever, but I don't have any), and wind it around the rouladen several times, then tie a series of overly complex knots (which any good serial killer should already know) to bind them tightly.

This is the last stage before you have nothing to do for a coupla hours. Fire up your frying pan, and lower your delicious meat parcels into the frying pan like Norman Bates disposing of Marion Crane's body in the trunk of her car.

Give them around 5 minutes, just to brown the outside and seal them.

To continue the metaphor, you then push the wrapped victims into water, but best not to use swamp water like Bates, a pot of standard boiling water will do. Cover the top, and leave for around 2 hours, checking on them occaisionally.

While you wait, check out the song that inspired the latest awful metal-tastic pun post title.



Even if you're not much of a death metal aficionado, you cannot deny the power of THAT riff that first rears it's monstrously catchy head around 0:49. The legendary late Chuck Schuldiner is one of the inventors and innovaters of death metal, and with riffs like that, no wonder he's still considered one of the greats. RIP Chuck.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, it's two hours later, because you've sat mesmerised by that riff and played the song a further 23 times.

When we made this meal in Germany, it was served with a whole bunch of sides, including plums in their deliciously syrupy juice. Unfortunately, I'm kinda weird and just don't get the appeal of having sweet things in a main meal (sorry Steff!), so I decided to skip that side dish.

However, there were these awesome ready-made dumpling things, which I later learned I could make using suet. When your rouladen have around 30 minutes left in the pot, fill a bowl with 100g self-raising flour, a pinch of salt, and around 50g shredded suet. Whisk this into a thick, doughy mixture using around 5 tbsps of water, and all your flour and suet has been absorbed into the mixture. Place the dough onto more greaseproof paper, dust your hands with flour before dividing the dough into 8 individual balls.

Drop these into your pot along with your rouladen, cover again, and leave for around 20 minutes.

When your 20 minutes are up, uncover your pot and the dough balls should have expanded out a helluva lot, and absorbed some of that incredible meat stock. Remove your rouladen, place them on a tray, then remove the dumplings with a slotted spoon, and place them on the same tray, and pop it in a pre-heated oven for 5 minutes.

During these 5 minutes, you can prepare your gravy. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I like my gravy like I like my music; thick, black and sludgey. The amazing juices from your meat should have given you a pretty heady beef stock to work with, but it was still nowhere near thick enough for my liking.
Mix up a decent amount of Bisto gravy, using 4 heaped tsps and hardly any water, so it's thick as fuck. Add it into your beef stock, stirring the whole time, until it thickens up. Skim off the oily fat, and pour the remaining goodness into a gravy boat.

Remove your rouladen and dumplings from the oven, and serve! Then annoy the hell out of whoever you made it for by spending 5 minutes taking a million photos of their dinner...

I gotta say, these turned out incredibly! Admittedly, I was a little surprised that they did seeing as I was flying solo this time, and I didnt really have the benefit of a genuine German carniwhore to make sure I didn't completely fuck it up.

I guess I'll just have to cook 'em for her again to see if I did good, right?