Raider of the Lost Beer Reviews

This 'review' is taken from a stained and torn scrap of paper I just found amidst the clutter of unanswered letters, receipts, magazine cuttings, hastily scribbled dream recollections and unfinished sketches that currently occupies my desk.

 I found the photo of the beers it relates to, it's a couple of months old now, but I figure I may as well type it up out of boredom more than anything else. It's more or less a direct transcription of what is scribbled above, with any added recollections I may have, and updated opinions on the beers I've tried again since then.

First up, if I can recall (and going by the neatness of the handwriting before it descended into a drunken scrawl) was the Paradox.
I've tried just about every Brew Dog beer I can get my hands on, and they're all interesting in their own way, but the Paradox is one I have craved a few more times since this initial test.

I could give a run-down of what makes this beer so interesting, the way it's brewed and whatnot, but they say it better than I ever could, and with a better site design HERE, so all I can give is my own opinion of this delicious, strong-as-fuck brewed-in-whisky-casks beauty of a beer.

My scribbled notes tell me I thought it had a real strong first impression, but not necessarily in a good way. Thank fuck I got over that, because the more you drink of it, the more adjusted to the overpowering taste you become, and you can really settle in and enjoy it. I wouldn't say the whisky taste is OBVIOUSLY whisky, but it definitely lends something to the flavour, which after trying 2 or 3 bottles since, I evidently still can't figure out. It seems to be out of production, so it might be kind of hard to track down another bottle in an attempt to come up with a comparison. It was good though.

Next up (possibly) was the London Porter.
I didn't hold out a lot of hope for it, because I'm a total design snob and the fact that it was a Sainsbury's own brand beer, I thought it would be horribly generic mass-produced swill. On first sip, oh how wrong I was!

The label describes it as having a rich, dark chocolate flavour, with a hint of spicey liquorice, which I thought sounded awesome, except for the liquorice aspect because that stuff is sheer processed gelatinous cancer tissue, and if you eat it, we can't be friends. Anyway, back to the beer... When I tried it, that was exactly how I would decribe it too. It reminded me of heavy stout, in the texture at least, it had a really thick, almost syrup-y consistency, like a thicker Guinness or something.
Basically, it was heavy as fuck, pretty hard going to drink, but so worth it for that tangy, dark sweetness.

Next up was the Black Sheep, which I seem to remember drinking outdoors, while reading a book, and it being unrefridgerated before I started it. I think maybe my judgement of it would be clouded by the warmth, and it says that in my drunken notes. I thought it had a real dry taste, and the label itself described it as having a 'dry, refreshing bitterness'. Like most beers, after the initial adjustment to the taste, it started going down pretty smooth, and I definitely enjoyed it, but then, there's very little I enjoy more than lying outdoors in the sun with a book and a beer.

Last up was the Warsteiner, which I remember drinking with a meal that same day, so maybe the food I ate affected my feelings about this beer.
I remember buying it because it's surprisingly difficult to get a hold of ANY German beer over here, never mind one that a certain German won't decry as being 'shitty Bavarian bullshit!', so I was hoping that this one might meet with her approval, as well as my own. So upon seeing the only German bottle in the supermarket that WASN'T Becks, I was pretty excited to try it.

The first thing that hit me, which I've noted down in almost indescipherable handwriting by this point, is that it has quite a strong smell, pungent, very gassy. I remember it being quite dry, and having an almost meaty flavour, like a smokeyness to it, but again, that might just be the fact I was having it with dinner. It got to be pretty tough going to finish it by the end, but I was 4 bottles into the day by that point so my stamina was waning a little. I'll definitely pick up another bottle sometime to give it a fairer chance.

Going back to my notes, I've also written 'BIG ASS' which I'm assuming refers to the size of the bottle and not MC Hammer lyrics. 'Goes well with biscuits' is another gem.
I'm pretty sure I am the least qualified, least professional beer reviewer in the world if that was all I could think to say!

That's not going to stop me from reviewing almost every new beer I can find. Til next time...

(Hell)Mouth full o' beer

Another saturday night of avoiding the shitty draft beers in all the local pubs, dreaming of one day living somewhere that has at least ONE decent place to get a drink.
A pub that doesn't assault your ears with 1000bpm computer music (is there any more useless profession than the pub DJ?), where the staff don't sigh with exasperation every time you order another drink (hey, not like it's their JOB or anything, right? oh, wait...), and the powder-nosed clientele don't stare at you with thinly-veiled desire to slit some pretty big holes into your skin.
A man can dream. Or just move outta central Scotland.
Anyway, where was I...?

Yeah, so one of the UPSIDES to Scotland is that we do actually happen to have some pretty damn good independent breweries. Perhaps leading the charge of the new generation of brewers who want to make new, exciting, fun and experimental beers, are Brewdog.
I won't go into their history or any of that, if you're that fucking interested, abandon reading this and visit their site instead at http://www.brewdog.com/

Anyway, they have a whole tonne of drastically different beers on offer, I thought for the purposes of this 'review', and for the purposes of gettin drunk on a tight budget, I'd choose the cheapest, most basic 4, which are available in most good stores UK-wide.

So yeah, all their beers have slightly nonsensical names, but I'm such a sucker for packaging that of course beers with 'hardcore' and 'punk' in the name are gonna catch my eye. Anyway, here goes...

First up I'm going with the Punk IPA. Which is kinda cheating, because I actually drink this a lot. But that kinda tells ya somethin, right? It's a damn delicious beer, that's what it tells you.
However, I have introduced it to other people, who haven't been quite as enamoured as I am. I'll admit, it does have a very... distinctive taste upon first sip. It's quite hard to describe, as you'll know from any previous 'reviews' of mine that you mighta read, I'm fucking shite at conveying what the beers are actually like further than 'durrrrh, I like it because it is beer and it is good and I like good beer guuuurrrrh'.
I want to say it's almost fruity, but that's so damn inaccurate... but it just has this slightly sweet, organic, natural taste to it. It's really smooth, but still has a little kick to it, a nice refreshing fizz. I could throw adjectives at it all day, but it'd take less of your time to just go buy a bottle. So... y'know, do that.

Naturally, I'm drinking chronologically, and following punk with hardcore.
Whooooah, this lives up to it's name! After the first slug hit me like a delicious fist, I checked the percentage, this shit's 9.2%, not half bad! The taste is real strong, and it takes a couple of swigs to actually figure out what kinda taste it actually HAS. It's a real dry, slightly bitter beer, but somehow very distinct from a traditional pale ale.

The label is pretty good (yeah, I'm buzzed enough already to start sitting grinning and staring at the bottle), using phrases like 'robustly delicate toffee malt canvas' and a whole bunch of colourful descriptions and pretentious bullshit... which I dig! I'm not sure how 'robustly delicate' it is, but I can say that it's a damn savoury beverage which will kick your ass after just 2 or 3 bottles.

Next up: 77 Lager.
In comparison to the last heavy hitter, this beer is pretty damn lightweight. Halfway through the last one, I found myself sitting in front of the TV, watching Indianda Jones and the Temple of Doom, and finding the shurnken and shrivelled monkey's heads they served for dinner really appetizing. So yeah, dangerous drunkeneness. But this bottle is a lot tamer, but just as tastey. This bottle is definitely more of just... a standard beer, no real distinctive traits other than it's an average beer, but it's a damn finely brewed one!

Lastly, and as ever, by no means least, is the 5am Saint. By now, extenuating circumstances have put a decent gap of 2 hrs between this beer and the last, so I'm pretty sobered up for starting it. First impressions are... good! It's another smooth one, not much of a kick at all. I wonder why they call it the 5am Saint. I reckon this would be pretty good as a 'wind-down' beer after a pretty heavy night. Get home at 5am, there's this little beauty chillin in the fridge waiting for ya, the perfect nightcap. Which even though I'm far from going to sleep, even at 1am, it kind of is for me. As a last beer of the night, this works perfectly.

So yeah, somehow I DIDN'T end up wasted by the end of that little escapade. That's gotta be a first for this blog!

There is literally no connection between this band, this clip, and the beers I chose to drink, except a hastily-assembled pun post title, and the fact they just happened to be what I was blasting when I started drinking tonight.