Caesers In Barren Praise

Okay, I'll be honest, the main reason I wanted to make a ceaser salad is so I could use that semi-obscure pun title. And because I think Ive listened to so much Trap Them recently, I pretty much hum their stuff in my sleep now.

Anyway, the OTHER reason I reckoned a salad would be a good idea is because, as this blog will pretty much attest to, almost everything I eat contains either enough spices to scar your throat, copious amounts of alchohol, or there is so much carcass on my plate I'm starting to feel like I'm running a farm animal mortuary.

So salad: a nice, light, fresh, healthy option for once... oh wait, I'm smothering it in thick dressing and adding 2 whole chicken breasts and fried-to-fuck bacon on top. Ah well.

This theoretically SHOULD be a short description, as it took me fuck-all time or effort to prepare, but given my propensity for rambling sidenotes and grammatical gymnastics, it'll probably be a longer, more complex and convoluted read than The Iliad.

Okay, so I already had pre-rinsed and shredded lettuce, chopped peppers, spring onions, and two pre-cooked chicken breasts, but if you don't have that stuff... well, sort it out.
The chicken only took 15 minutes in the oven, so first thing you gotta do is pop your oven on at gas mark 6, then contain your breasts.

While that's going on, get your frying pan ready for the bacon. Personally, I like my bacon burnt to a fucking cinder when it's going into a salad, give it some CRUNCH! So I fried mine for a suuuuper long time, eventually cutting it into strips/squares while it was still in the pan.

While the bacon and chicken are getting all hot n' stuff, organise your salad on your plate, using the lettuce as your base. Throw on as much 'healthy' stuff as you fancy. As ever, this is wiiide open to interpretation, put whatever the fuck you want on your plate, pineapples, camembert, dog biscuits, whatever.

During this time, you'll also want to prepare a caeser dressing, otherwise this is just gonna be a random salad with meat all over the damn place. You would think this would be the point where I'd go into great detail about exactly HOW to make the dressing. But I won't, because my pa decided to micro-manage that aspect of his own dinner, wouldn't even let me near the condiments! I seem like a pretty trustworthy, albeit amateur as hell, cook, right? Not to him, I guess.

Shut off your oven, remove the chicken, and tear, not cut, tearing it is very important. Mainly because it's just fun to rip flesh apart (oh HI, vegetarians!), and because it looks better for the purposes of food blog photography. Sprinkle your torn strips of chicken haphazardly over your salad, then do the same with your blackened bacon. Drop some croutons on top from a great height, like some sort of bread-based re-enactment of Hiroshima. Finally, let whatever obsessive, secretive weird relative prepared your dressing splash it everywhere. You want so much of it that your croutons soften up, LASHINGS of dressing!

I figure that's enough words. Here's the aftermath:

And here's the disjointed, mangled, sexy audio filth that inspired the title: