To Seperate The Yolk From The White

So originally the plan was to make Belgian Waffles, buuut that soon turned to shit when my waffle iron decided to sink before it's maiden voyage, so to speak. In short, this dessert turned into a hastily improvised pancake-esque mess. Fuck it, after a few initial test runs, I actually got some pretty good results!

Here's what ya need to prepare dark, bitter, abrasive waffles (or thick as fuck pancakes):

If, unlike me, your waffle iron is fully operational, pre-heat it. Thats the first thing ya want to do.

Lay out 3 seperate mixing bowls, and divide your ingredients thusly: Sift two cupfuls of plain flour into your first bowl, and then add 2 tsps of baking powder, and a pinch or two of salt.
Next bowl: Crack your eggshells, and using your hand to strain the whites, pour them into the bowl, ensuring that the egg yolk stays in the palm of your hand, and the whites slip through the cracks in your fingers.
Third bowl: drop your four yolks into this bowl. Most recipes I consulted for inspiration/ripping-off used either plain or caster sugar. I decided to go for my own personal favourite, dark muscovado. Whichever sugary goodness you go for, dump 2 tbsps of it into your egg YOLK bowl.
Before you go any further, scoop out 4 tbsps of butter, and put them in a FOURTH bowl (this is getting fucking stupid, I know) and stick this bowl in the microwave for a minute or so to melt the butter.

Take your whisk and beat the absolute hell out of your egg yolk/sugar combo until it resembles a disgusting sludgy mess. Add in your hot melted butter, and two mugs worth of milk. Get beating again. The use of muscovado made this a bit... grainier than most recipes will be, so just really stir it up, and use the face of a spoon to crush all the granules down as much as possible.

Once that's done, pour this mixture into your flour/baking powder bowl, and yeah, you guessed it, get back to beating fuck out of it with that whisk.

This is the part I fucked HATE. If you don't have an electric mixer/whisk thingy, don't even bother attempting this next stage, you'll be there for hours. Use your electric mixer to whip up your egg whites into a frothy, meringue-y substance, until it's pretty much white as a ghost, and solid as a rock.

In the recipes I read in cookbooks, and online, they all describe the next stage as 'folding' your whites into the rest of the mixture. I have no fucking clue what that's supposed to mean, so I interpreted it as best I could, and plopped the whites into the mix in stages, using a ladle to cover each scoop of white with the rest of the mix. I literally had no fucking Idea what I was doing, but I kept doing it regardless.

Once all your white mix is enveloped in dark brown muscovadian goodness, light a fire under your frying pan, and splash some oil in there. Obviously if this was an ACTUAL Belgian waffle recipe, you'd simply pour the mixture into your waffle iron. But, y'know...

While your pan is heating, prepare your 'toppings'. I went for a sliiightly-too-expensive vanilla ice cream, dark morello cherries (why the fuck does nowhere have FRESH cherries this time of year? fuck supermarkets) and dark, slightly bitter, Swiss cooking chocolate. Break off about half the bar of choc, pop it in a bowl and microwave it for 2 minutes until it melts into utter fucking foodporn heaven.

Leave your chocolate to the side for now, and either check on your waffles, or pour your batter into the frying pan. Give it just a minute or so on a high heat for either side, you don't want the batter burning or going flat. Flip it out of the pan (onto the floor on your first attempt if you're me. the ten-second-rule applies here). Apply your toppings in a suitably pretentious fashion, et voila!

If you're surprised by how good this actually tastes, then you'll think you can handle a second portion. Believe me, you can't. Didn't stop me from pushing my ironclad (Steff! I got to use it in a sentence! yesss) stomach to it's absolute limit.

The obligatory, VERY loosely connected to the title/dessert theme, clip that follows features the almighty Jeff Walker. If you don't know what band he fronted, jump off a tall building.

Every Time I Fry

I'm willing to wager that one of the things Britain, and specifically Scotland is most (in)famous for is our fried breakfasts. Our heroic intake of fried meats with most meals is probably the reason that around 2/3rds of our population is overweight, and that we apparently have the 2nd-highest obesity levels in the developed world. Way to go, guys, at least we're world-class at something!

All of this doesn't change the fact that I'm a massive fan of the morning fry up, but since I work I usually don't have the time to devote to an epic breakfast each day, which is probably why I'm a rare beast in Scotland: the lesser-spotted skinny bastard.
So with a rare morning free, I decided to put some serious work in to develop a weapons-grade fry up.

The list of ingredients is perhaps a little harder to get together if you don't live in central Scotland, but don't worry, most of these are universal:

• 2 rashers of bacon (you can choose from the many different bacon types based on personal preference)
• 2 slices of lorne sausage (this is one of those things you can only really get here)
• 2 link sausages
• 2 free-range eggs (have a heart: give animals a good life before you slaughter and eat them. it's only right.)
• 2 slices of black pudding (this may be another item that's slightly harder to track down)
• A few slices of potato scone (I made my own, but can't be fucking bothered explaining how I did it)
• Condiments (I went for the classic Heinz Ketchup and HP Sauce)

There are a few things you can chop n' change in terms of basic ingredients. Here's some things I didn't go for because it would have meant less MEAT PRODUCTSSS!

• Toast with full-fat butter
• Baked beans
• A tomato
• Sliced mushrooms

So once you've gotten all that together, pop the kettle on, get a flame going under your oiled up frying pan, and stick some greasy music on for a soundtrack.
Unless you life in some fancy-schmancy mansion that has 2 frying pans, you're gonna need to do this in stages. So first priority is your 2 types of sausages, stick 'em in the pan, and what the hell, chuck in the black pudding too. Give this stuff maybe 3-4 minutes on each side (yeah, try finding the 'side' of a link sausage!). Also, try not to get distracted air-drumming to Iron Monkey so that your lorne sausage starts to burn and sets off your smoke alarm. I'm a fucking jackass.

Once it's all cooked, transfer it onto a plate, shove it in your oven at the LOWEST setting, just to keep it warm. Next you want to do the potato scone. this only takes a few minutes either side, just enough time to make it good n' crunchy. Once it's reached that stage, take it out, stick it on your oven plate.

Now lay down your bacon, and crack in your eggs. I'm a fan of almost-raw bacon, nothing crispy, and I like my eggs sunny side up, because for some reason the colour yellow makes me grin like a goon.
So if you're making me breakfast, there ya go, but if you have any other preference then...
A) What the fuck is wrong with you?
B) Fine, fry it to your own taste, weirdo.

Get your plate out of the oven, but don't burn your hands like I did. Heap it all up, then add your chosen condiments and garnishes, serve with a glass of OJ and the biggest mug of tea you can find.

DISCLAIMER: I have never, and never intend to have any children, therefore that mug isn't entirely accurate, but it was the biggest I could find.