Every Time I Fry

I'm willing to wager that one of the things Britain, and specifically Scotland is most (in)famous for is our fried breakfasts. Our heroic intake of fried meats with most meals is probably the reason that around 2/3rds of our population is overweight, and that we apparently have the 2nd-highest obesity levels in the developed world. Way to go, guys, at least we're world-class at something!

All of this doesn't change the fact that I'm a massive fan of the morning fry up, but since I work I usually don't have the time to devote to an epic breakfast each day, which is probably why I'm a rare beast in Scotland: the lesser-spotted skinny bastard.
So with a rare morning free, I decided to put some serious work in to develop a weapons-grade fry up.

The list of ingredients is perhaps a little harder to get together if you don't live in central Scotland, but don't worry, most of these are universal:

• 2 rashers of bacon (you can choose from the many different bacon types based on personal preference)
• 2 slices of lorne sausage (this is one of those things you can only really get here)
• 2 link sausages
• 2 free-range eggs (have a heart: give animals a good life before you slaughter and eat them. it's only right.)
• 2 slices of black pudding (this may be another item that's slightly harder to track down)
• A few slices of potato scone (I made my own, but can't be fucking bothered explaining how I did it)
• Condiments (I went for the classic Heinz Ketchup and HP Sauce)

There are a few things you can chop n' change in terms of basic ingredients. Here's some things I didn't go for because it would have meant less MEAT PRODUCTSSS!

• Toast with full-fat butter
• Baked beans
• A tomato
• Sliced mushrooms

So once you've gotten all that together, pop the kettle on, get a flame going under your oiled up frying pan, and stick some greasy music on for a soundtrack.
Unless you life in some fancy-schmancy mansion that has 2 frying pans, you're gonna need to do this in stages. So first priority is your 2 types of sausages, stick 'em in the pan, and what the hell, chuck in the black pudding too. Give this stuff maybe 3-4 minutes on each side (yeah, try finding the 'side' of a link sausage!). Also, try not to get distracted air-drumming to Iron Monkey so that your lorne sausage starts to burn and sets off your smoke alarm. I'm a fucking jackass.

Once it's all cooked, transfer it onto a plate, shove it in your oven at the LOWEST setting, just to keep it warm. Next you want to do the potato scone. this only takes a few minutes either side, just enough time to make it good n' crunchy. Once it's reached that stage, take it out, stick it on your oven plate.

Now lay down your bacon, and crack in your eggs. I'm a fan of almost-raw bacon, nothing crispy, and I like my eggs sunny side up, because for some reason the colour yellow makes me grin like a goon.
So if you're making me breakfast, there ya go, but if you have any other preference then...
A) What the fuck is wrong with you?
B) Fine, fry it to your own taste, weirdo.

Get your plate out of the oven, but don't burn your hands like I did. Heap it all up, then add your chosen condiments and garnishes, serve with a glass of OJ and the biggest mug of tea you can find.

DISCLAIMER: I have never, and never intend to have any children, therefore that mug isn't entirely accurate, but it was the biggest I could find.