Schnit-system

I don't get many chances to be taught new dishes first hand, since I only know one other person who has an interest in food to the degree I do. So when the opportunity arises to have her teach me some new tricks, I jump at the chance. A few nights ago we spent about 4hrs in my kitchen making all sorts of mess as we threw together a schnitzel main course, as well as a dessert at the same time.
Total fucking chaos.

Since this time I was flying solo, and foregoing the dessert aspect, I wasn't sure if it would take more or less time. I was kinda hoping for less. Here's what ya need:

In hindsight, I now know that is FAR too many potatoes and mushrooms, so don't use as many as shown in that photo. I was cooking for two, so adapt your ingredients according to what kinda portion you want.

First off, clean and chop your potatoes, fill a put of water, and bring it to the boil. Dump your wedge-shaped taters in the water and let them boil for a while.

While they're simmering, prep your sauce ingredients. Chop a whole red onion, and slice a few mushrooms, and set those aside for now.

 

Around this time you can drain your part-boiled taters and start prepping them for roasting. I'm not sure if this type of potato has a name or anything, but basically you're gonna coat them in generous amounts of rosemary and thyme before roasting them in the oven.

Pre-heat your oven to gas mark 6, and grab a coupla small plates. Cover one in sunflower oil and the other in a herby coating of rosemary and thyme.

Start spearing your potatoes with a fork, dunking them on the plate of oil, then smearing them around the plate of herbs so they get a good thick covering. Once they look like a whole herd of pungent little chia pets, put them to death by roasting them alive [insert evil genius laugh here].

Okay, so that photo is misleadingly lame, since all the potatoes in the foreground are bald as coots, but it's only because... well to be honest doing the whole herb thing takes fucking ages and I couldn't be arsed after getting about halfway through. So I cheated and just sprinkled the whole tray with herbs after I'd dunked 'em all out onto it. Lazy fucker that I am.

Leave them to roast and move on to the fun part: THE MEAT!
Lay your pork escallopes out on a chopping board or whatever clean work surface you have, and then dump a fucktonne of plain flour over the top, smoothing it all down into even consistency with your hands. Any excuse to touch dead flesh, right? Hey, saves me from resorting to necrophilia on those lonely nights when I don't have anyone to cook with...
Anyway, flip them over and do the same to the other side too.

Once they're well coated in flour, crack an egg onto a plate, and whisk it up into a consistent consistency. My usual verbosity eludes me at this moment in time.

So yeah, that looks fucking revolting. But it's not like thats what you're gonna be eating, it's just a base coat to ensure that your breadcrumbs (lurking in the background of the above photo) stick to your pork. I would have liked to get some more interesting breadcrumbs with other things through 'em, or to even have prepared my own, but laziness struck again, and I wound up just using the leftovers from last time.
Coat each of your sections of deceased pig in egg, then roll them around in the breadcrumbs until they're completely covered, then throw them into the frying pan. Oh yeah, should've mentioned that earlier, pre-heat your pan, and throw in some sunflower oil and a little butter.

 

While those are crisping up, check on your potatoes, and turn them if necessary, making sure they're nice and browned all over and the herbs are sticking to them. Well, thats what SHOULD happen anyway. Turn your oven down a few notches and pop a plate in.
Flip your schnitzel over and add a little more oil in to ensure they don't burn on one side. Cut on to make damn sure they're cooked through, then put them onto that plate you have heating in the oven.

Sauce time! After a little preliminary research online, I discovered that the sauce we had prepared last time was commonly used in a varation of schnitzel called Rahmschnitzel. The sauce is basically just fried onion, mushrooms, and cream.
Dump your diced onion in your now vacant frying pan, shortly followed by the mushrooms, and let them sit browning and shrinking for a little while before you splash in the cream. For the hell of it, I added a little bisto powder to the mix to try and thicken up the cream and give it a little extra flavour.

Remove your potatoes and schnitzel from the oven, plate it all up, and finally fucking eat the damn meal!

Here's some d-beat greatness from a country who don't really have anything to do with this dish. Fuckit, I present to you Sweden's finest; SKITSYSTEM

Prawn-creation Of The Wicked

This was kind of a last minute idea because I really couldn't be fuckin bothered making some big elaborate meal with tonnes of prep time and that took an age to cook. And when that happens, pasta is your friend!

This was originally a meal made when I was in desperate need of a shopping trip, and the ingredients used were pretty much all there was to eat in the house at the time, which kind of explains why they seem so... disparate.

Yeah, prawns in pasta, I don't know if thats a common thing, but it's certainly not something I'd ever eaten before. Surprisingly, it really worked out, hence the reason I'm making it again, fuckin duh.

This takes all of 15 minutes to prepare and cook, so the first thing ya gotta do is fill a pot with water, and heat that to a boil.
There's fuck all to do prep-wise except grate your cheese (I used my beloved Mexicana, but I guess normal cheddar will do too. If you're a loser, that is), and chop your chillies. Honestly, I only chopped one, left the seeds in, and even that was too much. I know, I'm a fucking wimp.

For your sauce, all there is to it is to whip up a basic white sauce as your base. If you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, all ya do is pre-heat a pot, tip in a tbsp of plain flour, a decent shake of grated parmesan, a small-ish chunk of butter, and half a pint of milk, and whisk until it develops a nice thickened consistency. For a bit of a kick, I usually throw in a tsp of mustard powder and a pinch of cayenne pepper.

When your basic sauce is simmering away nicely, throw your bundles of tagliatelle into your boiling water. Keep an eye on both of these pots, and once you pasta is almost done, chuck your cheese into the saucepot, stir through, then add your prawns.
I cheated and used pre-prepared prawns because the aim of this meal was to encourage my own laziness, but if ya have time to pick up some prawns that still have claws and beady little eyes, and prepare those yourself, I suggest ya do it. There's very little in life thats more fun than busting apart shellfish to get to the meat within. The sound of the shells cracking open is... so goddamn satisfying.

Anyway, once everything is pretty much good to go, all you need to do is drain your pasta and transfer it into your saucepot. Give it a minute or two in there, stirring the sauce through, adding any last minute seasoning you deem necessary, then spatter it out onto your plate. Add your far-too-spicey chillies on top, and don't touch your nose after picking them up, like this stupid cunt did.
Serve with side salad if you fancy eating something that isn't yellow for once.