Towering Inferno... of cheese!

Let me preface this post by saying that it won't live up to the standards set by that title, because I ballsed up the 'towering' part by failing to construct the snack properly. Apologies all round.

So anyway, this is a fast-as-fuck snack that everyone on the planet should be well versed in: the classic grilled cheese sandwich.
However, I put my own spin on it by adding, you guessed it, meat and spicey stuff. Here's what I used:

• 3 slices of thick-cut white bread (yeah, having 3 is important)
• 4 slices of thick-cut cheddar cheese, and a couple of leftover slivers of Mexicana
• 4 slices of thick-cut tinned ham (if you can get past the disgusting jelly shit around it, this stuff is KING!)
• Any spicey sauce with a thick, ketchup-like consistency.

You can see in that photo the impetus for my lunch decision today. I was flicking through an old issue of Inked and saw that godly photograph, and I almost drowned in my own drool.
The article, incase you can't read it, is about a place called Melt Bar & Grilled (http://www.meltbarandgrilled.com/) which offers a lifetime discount for anyone who gets tattooed with their logo. Obviously, I think this THE COOLEST FUCKING THING EVER, but since I don't live in Cleveland, I can only dream...

So anyway, what you want to do first is very lightly toast your 3 slices of bread. I'm talking just introducing them to the toaster, don't let things go to far, not even to the flirting stage, and definitely no heavy petting. Just enough to lightly crisp them, but you should still be able to FOLD the bread without it breaking up.

Take your FIRST slice, apply your hotsauce to one half of it, then your first slices of ham and cheese to that same half, then lay another SECOND slice of bread on top, only half-covering your first slice. Repeat the sauce-ham-cheese procedure on the half of your second slice which covers the first slice.
Is it making sense so far? Ah, fuck it.

Fold over your FIRST slice into the sandwich, so that it covers your second layer of sauce-ham-cheese. Then you add in your THIRD slice of bread. This is where I fucked it up royally. Blame it on my lack of coffee, whatever, but the photo that follows will not look like what I'm describing.
Add your 3rd layer of sauce-ham-cheese onto your THIRD slice of bread, then fold in your SECOND slice of bread on top of that. One final layer of sauce-ham-cheese, and you fold over your third slice of bread to close it up. Yeah, this might not be as easy to do as I initially predicted. Which is why I did it wrong myself, then flew into a howling, weeping, inconsolable rage when I realised I had failed.

Basically, with any luck it should end up as a giant, heaving, oozing mess of sauce, cheese and meat, which is why you gotta keep it together with toothpicks. Fire up your grill, and stick it under. If this sandwich (made correctly) doesn't catch on fire and erupt with cheese and sauce like a volcano, then you've done it wrong.

Serve with a cup of very strong coffee, because after this is eaten, you've gotta go get your shit together and see your bank manager. Fuck the bank.

Peanut-era

Sooo, I guess I take requests now! That's a fucking dare by the way, my stomach is fucking IRONCLAD!

This little gem was suggested by my fellow everything-hater, brother-from-a-transatlantic-mother @hhhhogan. That's his twitter username by the way, I'm not just drunk again, so do the right thing and follow his ass.

Anyway, the ingredients and process behind his suggestion were mega simple: get an apple, cut it's heart out, replace with peanut butter.

Being the awkward bastard that I am, I thought this might be too simple to warrant a whole post about it. To ramp things up, and include concessions to my own obsessions (yeah, wordplay, ya like that?), I got slicing n' dicing, and added liberal coatings of muscavado sugar and chilli flakes, and stuck it under the grill for a coupla minutes. It didn't really do anything to caramelise the sugar, so I just called it quits and got started.

I gotta say, this was a lot better than I expected it to be. I'm not a peanut butter fan AT ALL, so it was unexpected that this actually didn't ruin my night. It kind of goes together in the same weird way that grapes go with cheese n' crackers, y'know? Or like, cranberrys on ham. Is that even a thing or have I made it up?

Anyhow, I'd definitely recommend trying this out, the whole snack only cost me £1, so what ya waiting for?

Every Time I Fry

I'm willing to wager that one of the things Britain, and specifically Scotland is most (in)famous for is our fried breakfasts. Our heroic intake of fried meats with most meals is probably the reason that around 2/3rds of our population is overweight, and that we apparently have the 2nd-highest obesity levels in the developed world. Way to go, guys, at least we're world-class at something!

All of this doesn't change the fact that I'm a massive fan of the morning fry up, but since I work I usually don't have the time to devote to an epic breakfast each day, which is probably why I'm a rare beast in Scotland: the lesser-spotted skinny bastard.
So with a rare morning free, I decided to put some serious work in to develop a weapons-grade fry up.

The list of ingredients is perhaps a little harder to get together if you don't live in central Scotland, but don't worry, most of these are universal:

• 2 rashers of bacon (you can choose from the many different bacon types based on personal preference)
• 2 slices of lorne sausage (this is one of those things you can only really get here)
• 2 link sausages
• 2 free-range eggs (have a heart: give animals a good life before you slaughter and eat them. it's only right.)
• 2 slices of black pudding (this may be another item that's slightly harder to track down)
• A few slices of potato scone (I made my own, but can't be fucking bothered explaining how I did it)
• Condiments (I went for the classic Heinz Ketchup and HP Sauce)

There are a few things you can chop n' change in terms of basic ingredients. Here's some things I didn't go for because it would have meant less MEAT PRODUCTSSS!

• Toast with full-fat butter
• Baked beans
• A tomato
• Sliced mushrooms

So once you've gotten all that together, pop the kettle on, get a flame going under your oiled up frying pan, and stick some greasy music on for a soundtrack.
Unless you life in some fancy-schmancy mansion that has 2 frying pans, you're gonna need to do this in stages. So first priority is your 2 types of sausages, stick 'em in the pan, and what the hell, chuck in the black pudding too. Give this stuff maybe 3-4 minutes on each side (yeah, try finding the 'side' of a link sausage!). Also, try not to get distracted air-drumming to Iron Monkey so that your lorne sausage starts to burn and sets off your smoke alarm. I'm a fucking jackass.

Once it's all cooked, transfer it onto a plate, shove it in your oven at the LOWEST setting, just to keep it warm. Next you want to do the potato scone. this only takes a few minutes either side, just enough time to make it good n' crunchy. Once it's reached that stage, take it out, stick it on your oven plate.

Now lay down your bacon, and crack in your eggs. I'm a fan of almost-raw bacon, nothing crispy, and I like my eggs sunny side up, because for some reason the colour yellow makes me grin like a goon.
So if you're making me breakfast, there ya go, but if you have any other preference then...
A) What the fuck is wrong with you?
B) Fine, fry it to your own taste, weirdo.

Get your plate out of the oven, but don't burn your hands like I did. Heap it all up, then add your chosen condiments and garnishes, serve with a glass of OJ and the biggest mug of tea you can find.

DISCLAIMER: I have never, and never intend to have any children, therefore that mug isn't entirely accurate, but it was the biggest I could find.

Beer-ache Wreck-ords

I am either the best or the worst person to go food shopping with. I'm like the hyperactive, sugar-ridden child who walks along every aisle screaming "MUUUUUM, CANWEGETTHISCEREALLOOKITHASADRACULAONIT!!!", except I am like this with EVERYTHING!

Go to the spice aisle, I'll get over-excited and pick up like 5 jars of things you've never heard of it and proclaim them to be the best thing ever.
Go to the dairy aisle and I'll pick up like 16 different types of spreadable cheese that I'm guaranteed to eat right outta the tub.
Go to the booze aisle, or any decent liquor store, and I am the definition of Kid In A Candy Shop. Apart from vodka and sambuca, I will drink ANYTHING, especially if someone else is buying/driving me home.
So it was with this in mind that today I figured I should expand my favourite drinks repertoire even further, and buy a few different beers I'd never tried before, or if I had, I was too drunk to remember trying. I settled on these four sexy specimens:

Bacchus Cherry beer: the most expensive, yet the smallest of the 4, I have high hopes for this as it's wrapped in paper. yeah, my criteria are that weird.
Budvar 'Czech Original Budweiser': I got this as I'd seen it around at venues and pubs, but never asked for it incase they gave me ordinary Budweiser, which I fucking hate with a passion. Can't be worse than American Bud, that's for sure.
Asahi 'Super Dry' Japanese beer: I chose this based on my massive beerboner for other Oriental boozes such as Tiger beer and Tsing Tao, I figured if it's even half as good as those then I'm in for a treat.
Crabbie's Alchoholic Ginger Beer: I'd first heard of this due to the TV ad featuring some '50s housewife-style stone-cold fox. Ever since I saw that and calmed myself down, I've been dying to neck on of these beauties. I freakin' love ginger beer.

For the purposes of amusing blogging, I'll type out my reviews as I drink each beer, and with any luck I'll get progressively less coherent, and progressively more riled up and beer-crazy.

First up, the Asahi.
This is a pretty smooth beer, it's going down incredibly easy since I warmed up my drinking muscles with a Corona with dinner. It's real smooth, but the word zesty keeps springing to mind, so I guess it's 'zesty' too. Really light, in the way that you could imagine gettin a 6-pack of these 500ml badboys and having a damn good night as a result. Not in any way bitter, or overly 'european' tasting. this would RULE accompanying a meal.

Next up is the Crabbies.
Wow, this went down like a sack of potatoes. I seriously rattled through this in under 10 minutes, and I'm reasonably sure it's a 500ml-er as well. tastes just like regular ginger beer, except with a weird aroma, maybe? like it reminds me of something but fuck knows what. I could easily drink a few of these in work and no-one would notice. n fact, fuck it, that's what I'll do when i go back, as an experiment. I have a major sweet-tooth, as anyone who actually knows me can attest to. I'm guessing the reason I keep having to go in for fillings and tooth removals is because I put away about 3 cans of (non-alchoholic) ginger beer a day. you can FEEL that shit rotting your enamal. but goddamn do I love it.

3rd up, the Budvar.
this comes in a green glass bottle, which worries me. I fucking hate booze outta a green bottle. I have my reasons. on first sip, it's easily the most beer-y beer of the night. like, it has much more of a TANG to it, more of a slightly yeasty sour kick. or something, I know nothing about the technicalities of beer. strangely, it's going down easier than any beer from a green bottle has any right to. this pisses me the fuck off. i WANT to hate this beer, but I just can't bring myself to it. it's from the czech republic, which makes me soften to it, because I wanna hang in prague like nothin else, and this beer might be a good... thing. these bottles are all 500ml. fuck.

final boss! Bacchus, you motherfucker.
ok, by now I'm preeeeetty pretty buzzed. not drunk, by any stretch of the imagination (although it did take some fuckineffort to type imagination), but nicely buzzed.
usually, at this point in my blood-alchohol level I'll call up a friend to take me into the city so I can play roullette and poker (badly) til 7am. but not tonight, because there's fuckin work to do, goddamnit. the world needs to know how sweet these beers are, and by god, I'm gonna tell em. you motherfuckers, keeping me a way from my gambling habit.
uh, right, so, the beer! I'm on the firsst sip, and I already feel the same way you do when you're in love, or you just really wanna get laid. I can say with confidence that this bottle is gonna rule, despite being the smalllest of the lot. glug. I can imagine lying in a grassy park, slugging down a few of these beautys and shouting abuse at families. shit. this is a beautiful beer. I kinda don;t want it to end. because I have no more booze in my house, except for some sewrious fuckin bourbon, and I don;t think I'll survive another night. if I have international readers, you better hope and pray that your nearest liqquor store in whatever-the-fuck-country stocks BACCHUS CHERRY BEER, because it's beautiful. like an alchoholic dessert. mmmmm.

oh yeah, here's that ad that gives me a serious chub:


FREE THINKER, BEER DRINKER.

Weekend Nachos

As anyone with half a brain already knows, nachos are the ultimate in snackage. They're like Manowar, any other snacks are just false and weak in comparison.

So with this in mind, I decided to have a go at preparing the ultimate topping for my tortilla chips from scratch: homemade salsa with mexicana cheese and hotsauce.

Ingredients (to serve 2 hungry heshers):

• 2 decent sized red tomatoes
• 1 red onion (half of it should be enough)
• 1 clove of garlic (or more if you don't give a fuck about your breath)
• 1 red chilli (or yellow. either way, leave the seeds in unless you're some sort of pussy)
• 1 bag of cheap shitty tortilla chips (fuck Doritos)
• about half a block of 'Mexicana' cheese (or standard cheddar if your market/deli isn't as awesome as mine)
• Your own choice of hot sauce. Tonight I went for Nandos Peri Peri Hot, but there are a trillion excellent options.
• Small tubs of sour cream and guacamole for dippage.

Once you have all your ingredients assembled in the above fashion, complete with big fuckin' knife, it's time to SHRED your ingredients, into the appropriate sizes.
Slice and dice your tomatoes into pretty small chunks, then chuck 'em in a seperate dish for now. Now slice your onions into rings, or just cut them up whatever way you feel like if you screw up the rings like I did. Throw the chopped onions into the dish with your tomatoes, and get started on the chilli. I used a pretty small/thin chilli tonight, but you can make up for this by having some cojones and leaving most of the seeds attached. Slice the chilli up, and add it to the tomatoes and onions.

Set that dish aside for a minute, and unwrap that chunk of yellow heaven known as cheese. cut about half of it off the block, and grate it up. Once that's done, get your grill on. Some people put it in the oven, but fuck that, I'm a grill man.
Arrange your tortilla chips on a plate or platter in an artistic fashion, grab handfuls of salsa and load it on top of the chips til you have a decent level of coverage, then handfuls of grated cheese on top of your salsa. Grab your weapon of choice from the hotsauce rack, and splash it absolutely everywhere, the spicier the better (words to live life by). Crack some peppercorns and grated chilli flakes over the mess you've created, and slide it under your grill.
Most of the time I like my food as raw as possible, but since there's no meat in nachos, leave it under the flames until you can HEAR it cooking, and the cheese is bubbling like a volcano.
Remove, gaze on the beast you've created, then serve with a brew from down Mexico way. My own personal preference would be Modelo but it's hard to track down, so if you gotta settle for Corona, then so be it.

Enjoy.

True Glaswegian Cult Cooking

You know those stoned/drunken conversations you have, the ones where you come up with about a hundred 'great ideas' for stuff to do, yet about 12 hours later, you've forgotten every last one?

This blog is the one idea that got through.

The original concept was birthed at probably around 3am, listening to Black Sabbath, after necking half a bottle of Southern Comfort, and having not slept for the previous 60 hours. Waking up the next day to find 'WriTe abOut all the food n' booZe you like' scrawled in my sketchpad, and having nothing else to do with my day, I thought "why the fuck not?".

So here it is, a blog no-one will read, about food no-one would ever eat, for your viewing displeasure.

"Grill 'em all, let god sort 'em out."